Defiant, Defined, Acquiescent

April 2018

Some years ago preparing for, and then entering retirement in early 2002, I had heard a lot of stories about how difficult it was to go from a lifetime of years being engaged in employment to suddenly having nothing to do. I was determined not be defined by that condition known as retirement. As it was, I had plenty to do exploring my own interests. As before, only now with more patience, I kept up the house, tended the yard and gardens. I rode my bike more, and took more pictures as I was out and about. Two years after I retired, for a short but intense period I tended to my wife, Anna, as she recovered from cancer surgery before she returned to work. And following her return to work, I began caring for our newest granddaughter as our daughter returned to her work. Still, I had learned what it meant to be defined. Those who knew me defined me as retired, as did new acquaintances after asking, "what do you do?". I was, after all, apart from being busy, retired from employment, and thankfully so. That became a major aspect of the definition of me.

Some six and half years later, after being diagnosed in August 2012, with Parkinson's Disease, I did what I came to learn as quite common: I searched the Internet and found quite a lot of information about the disease. I also found quite a number of blogs -such as I'm doing here- by others also with Parkinson's Disease. What was somewhat surprising was to find in so many of them a defiance against being defined by the disease. A defiant thread, a declaration to fight it and live normally was common.

I am inclined by nature to think things over; to mull things, as it were. That notion of defiance of definition has been in the back of my mind these six and a half years. It really is somewhat shocking to get the diagnosis, especially if you go in otherwise healthy. But we must admit, some nagging condition, probably a persistent tremor that did not seem normal, took us to be sitting in the company of a neurologist. For some people the diagnosis of an incurable disease might well elicit a denial, "not me!", a defiant, "I will not be defined by this disease!" Yet, against all effort, the tremor persists; the symptoms grow. The treatments increase.

Another thing I learned early on was that this disease presents many different symptom possibilities, in many differing degrees. If I have the misfortune to have arthritis gnawing at my joints, at least I have the good fortune to have a healthy musculature and organs. I can bike and take pictures, I can type, sort of. I can cut the grass and shovel the snow -at my own pace. And yet the slowness grows, the tremors persist, the gait is amiss, my affect is flat and voice impaired. There is not a cure. As I finally come to address this notion of defiance and definition for myself, I am acquiescing to being defined by Parkinson's Disease.